Published 24 Jul 05

Fear and defiance in London

by Leah Kaminsky
Special to World Defense Review

The first email message I received from Mom after the second attacks on London read: "So Leah, what are the alternatives to mass transit to-and-from your work? A bike? A scooter?"

At first I laughed: Does Mom actually think it's safer for me to "scoot" in-and-out of rush-hour London than it is to ride the tube? Then the thought of me in my work clothes with a helmet strapped to my head, frantically zipping down the major highways that wind into the city, yelling, "Bloody English!" at honking, speeding cars along my eight-mile commute into work, only made me laugh harder.

I think my laughter is reflective of how many people felt in London this past Thursday, only because the most recent attacks were not successful and – in the confusing aftermath of the attempts – there were reports that the would-be bombers jumped off of the trains before the bombs detonated. It seemed the fugitives were probably bad copycats, not Al Qaeda terrorists. And as long as the copycat attacks were attempted by bumbling, unsuccessful amateurs, it was something we could deal with.

Then when a man was shot dead by police at a tube station in Stockwell, I began to feel uneasy again. The news reports were not clear as to whether-or-not this bomber was one of the failed attackers from the previous day, so we didn't know if this was a connected or a separate event. It suddenly dawned on me that maybe this would happen every day; that despite what I had begun to think, maybe I was risking my life every time I boarded a bus or the tube. Perhaps this whole thing was much further from over. Maybe a scooter isn't such a bad of idea after all.

On Friday, I walked the eight miles home after the shooting of the man. Along the way, I considered my own peculiar and seemingly bipolar emotions, as well as those of the Londoners travelling with me.

For the past two weeks, I've been on something of an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes I've felt strong and defiant. Other times I've felt frightened, weak, and ashamed of those feelings. Sometimes I've felt relaxed and with a nonchalant attitude. And at times, I've been so nervous I could not eat.

Was walking home letting the terrorists win? Where was that stiff British upper lip I had been feigning so well for so long? Why wasn't I acting as strong as I knew I really was?

I had left work feeling scared and upset, but after passing bus after bus crammed full with rush-hour commuters I began to feel stupid and ashamed for taking such precautionary measures.

By the time I arrived at my flat, I wanted to sprint back to the nearest tube station and travel to any random location in the city to defy not only the terrorists but a perceived weakness within myself. After observing everyone going about their business around me, I wondered if I was the only one who felt lonely and pathetic.

I asked my friends how they were feeling, and was soon reassured. They too had been experiencing similar fears and mood swings. This alleviated some of the guilt I felt for walking home on Friday, and it made me defiant and strong enough to take the tube out to one of my favorite Indie clubs on Saturday night.

These attacks have made us all – American, British, white, black, brown, and anything in between – feel the same way. And talking about it has made us all realize that it's okay to make adjustments in your daily routine if it makes you feel more comfortable. But it is also important to keep that "stiff upper lip," and refuse to bow to the pressures of psychological warfare.

We're all scared, and that's okay. Everyone wants the "terror" to stop. But until we can afford scooters for the morning commute, we're just going to have to make do with what we have – the common bond and similarities we share living and working in London in the summer of '05. We are united in our fear, our anger, our nervous glances and our tense laughter. Most of all, we are united in our defiance, in our unwillingness to do anything other than go about our normal lives.

So tonight, when I am out on the town in central London, the only thing in my mind that should be frightening to me or anyone else is this rhythm-less upstate New Yorker doing the moonwalk.

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Also by Leah Kaminsky: Life in London after the 7/7 bombings [18 Jul 05]

Leah Kaminsky, a student at the University of Rochester (N.Y.), spent last semester studying in London through the IES program. She is spending the summer living in London and working in Surrey.

© 2005 Leah Kaminsky